Retarded Love
by SlowlyTheWorldTurns
Summary: If someone asked me to sum my crush up in one word it would definately be retarded.  I guess if I was in a nice-mood I would say mentally challenged.  But you'd have to meet the idiot in order to understand what I mean.
1. Chapter 1

Hi guys. Here is the DenNor I've been talking about. I rather enjoy this one over the SuFin one. The SuFin was a great idea, it just didn't come out that well on 'paper.' I am either trashing it (most likely), finishing it as quickly as possibly (maybe), or just trying to rewrite it in a better way (very unlikely). This is going to end up being longer than the introduction so I apologize for that. Anyways, I hope to finish this and Frustration by the end of my grueling one month long break from school. Enjoy~

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><p>In love. Some might say that I was a fool in love, but to me, it was more like, I was in love WITH a fool. I mean, what else do you call a 19 year old man who only just recently found out that peanut butter is made out of peanuts? Retarded? Honestly, sometimes I can't believe I'm in love with such an idiot. Maybe I'm the fool after all. Only time will tell.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Hi guys! Most of you probably won't read/respond to this and that's okay! Anways I know Denmark and Norway don't have official names so bear with me okay? I'm going to use Mathias Kohler for Denmark because I like the sound of it, it kinda fits him. I like the name Lukas for Norway, probably because one of my favourite DenNor fanfics used this name, I think. Anways I know that there are a few Norwegians reading this story so if you could help with a last name I would appreciate it and owe you a favour of some sort! Possible one-shot or story-insert?

P.S. Sorry it's shorter than I would have liked it to be. :(

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><p>So you might ask yourself. Lukas, why is a respectable person such as yourself even associated with such a fool? Well I suppose you could call it outgoingness on the Danes part. You could also call it forced friendship. But I, well I like to call it kidnapping. Now some may say that one kid cannot kidnap another kid, but that's if you've never experienced it.<p>

There I was. Four years old with the same sparkle in my eyes that resembled the shine found in a lump of coal. My lackluster personally matched this spunk, as it resembled that of a wet mop. As you so obviously can see, I was not your typical child. I didn't get excited about toys and things normal children so easily got amused with. In all actuality I found it rather stupid. Another thing that set me apart was my mind set of cleanliness. I couldn't stand getting dirty and soiling my clothes. I cringed at how the other children were overjoyed to play in the filth they called mud. I don't think I was ever really happy with anything, the closest thing I was about content with were stuffed animals. Specifically speaking, bunnies. I never really knew why, but I just was. My idea of happiness back then, and basically still now, was sitting alone in a corner clutching something I liked. Back then it was bunnies, and today, seeing as how I've grown a little more mature since then, now prefer books. Thinking back, these qualities were probably the source of how I attracted the Dane's attention in the first place. I mean he did just sort of jump on me from out of the blue one day.

It was a wonderful sunny day in late August when it happened. There I was in the corner of the classroom tightly holding a pink stuffed bunny staring off blankly into space. I wasn't particularly interested in watching the other children play mindless things with each other so I didn't mind them any attention. To be completely honest I don't believe I was really thinking about anything, my mind was just somewhere out there. So you could imagine the shock I had when I was pounced upon, yes literally jumped on, by a spazzed out Dane. I was sure that he had had far too much sugar, but I was mistaken as I would later find out that it was in fact just his personality. And that is how it all started.

"Hi." He said to me with the goofiest grin I had ever seen. I was an only child at the time, so seeing as the other kids hadn't attempted to communicate with me didn't help my lack of socialization skills. So because of this I really didn't know how to respond. I just basically nodded back and began to stare at him.

He didn't seem fazed by this and just continued to babble on. "My name's Mathias. You don't talk very much do you? That's okay because I know your name is Lukas because I've seen the nametag on your desk." Again I just continued to stare at him.

"You should smile." As he said this he attempted to push up the corners of my mouth and I just kinda stood there looking like a baboon while he molested my face.

"You're really pretty you know, kinda like a girl. You can be my friend so let's play house okay? I'll be the daddy and you can be the mommy since you are so pretty." Not even waiting for my answer, which I'm sure wouldn't have mattered either way; he grabbed my hand and dragged me away to some large cardboard box which we used as a pretend house. For the next half hour I would be forced to be a woman. This had me pretending to clean, cook, and take care of our babies, all ten of them. You could only imagine how thrilled I was. And this was only the start of what they call a childhood friendship. Or the beginning of what I like to call vassalage. This was also the beginning of the numerous times I'd be forced to play house with the nutcase. In later years he even went as far as dragging my younger brother Emil into the mix.

Sobasically to sum it all up, my first friend was someone who jumped me, molested my face, kidnapped me, and basically made me into his bitch, or friend as he would call it. Not to mention he forced me to pretend that I was a woman, which I didn't particularly care about, especially since in later years he grew to understand the concept of two men being together was also acceptable. But at the time I apparently also didn't care too much about being hijacked by him either. Maybe I was just passive back as a kid. Or I was just too shocked by his brash behavior to react in any sort of way. Probably the latter. I mean, what could I really do in that situation? I guess I could have punched him, but then again, I don't think punching would have fazed him either. He is just that kind of person. He doesn't plainly, 'take life by the horns,' it is far more than that. He loves life and basically he is damn well going to enjoy it while he is still kicking. Though I hate admitting this, I really do admire this quality about him. So even though I am in love with an idiot, it's good to know that he has his priorities straight. Maybe this love isn't so foolish after all, you know?


	3. Chapter 3

Hey guys! Sorry this one is short but I couldn't think of where to take this one other than it being a cute little story. Next chapter should be larger. ^^ Promise!

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><p>He stuck to me like glue after that. He even somehow convinced the teacher to trade seats so that he could sit next to me. Which I begrudgingly admit, I was secretly happy about it. Before I didn't have any friends at all, so when Mathias forced his way into my life, it made me feel a bit special. I was just like any other kid, enjoying their first friendship.<p>

Of course this also meant that our friendship grew to extend outside of school as well. We figured out that we lived pretty close to each other, within the same neighborhood to be exact. He lived across the street from me exactly ten houses down. So you could imagine how much time either of us would spend at the other's house, and let me just tell you, it was A LOT! I especially started spending more time at his house after Emil was born. I was almost five and he being a newborn meant that he needed a great deal of attention. As I was a child that lacked outward emotions, instead of showing that I was a bit bothered by lack of attention, I just coped and went over to Mathias' where I got plenty of it.

I remember the first time I slept at his house. It was during the winter when we were five. I didn't know it at the time, but I'd be so thankful for the weather later on that night. I had been around his parents countless times before with how much time Mathias and I spend together. They were good folk. The cheerful kind that would support anything you did while wearing the biggest of smiles on their faces. They were probably a major component in me growing to be so comfortable at their house. But of course it was my first time, so I was a bit scared being away from mommy and daddy. Of course I didn't say anything but there was this aching feeling in my chest, and to this day I'm convinced Mathias has some sixth sense that allowed him to pick up on this.

"Hey Lukas is something wrong? You're shivering a bit."

"I'm just a bit cold." I sniffled a bit trying to be convincing.

"Why don't you come up here and lay with me then?" Mathias parents' conveniently had bought him bed bunks because of the amount of time we spent with each other. Mathias was of course top, and I bottom. But the point was that I needed a bit of comfort, and who was I to turn down such a sweet offer? I crawled up the ladder and laid next to him with my blanket.

"Hey." He shifted for the purpose, of what I assumed to be, so that he could face me.

"Hi." I stared at where I knew his face was.

"Here," he whispered as he extended his blanket over me and cuddled closer. "Better?"

"A-ah bit." I was thankful for the darkness that hid the colour that stained my checks, though I still could sense the grin he had on his face.

"We should get some rest. Goodnight Lukas."

"Goodnight Mathias," I whispered the words ever so softly knowing that he would hear from the clear dead silence of the night.

Just like that we drifted off to sleep. Dreaming of whatever our five year-old minds could conjure up.


	4. Chapter 4

First day of high school. Something teenagers dread all over the world. Well, I assume at least most of them do. There are the few like me who just see it as another step in life that must be completed. But there are also those like Mathias who see it as a whole new world. A bit ridiculous right? To him it was like a new playground, something I hope he doesn't take too much advantage of. He was known for being quite the bully during lower secondary school. I think he has mellowed out since then though, something I'd like to think that was from a little influence on my part. Other than entering the same school as Mathias, something I would never admit to him face-to-face, I could really care less where I went. To be honest, I'd rather be home schooled and just not have to deal with all the baboons running around. As you can see, I've turned into quite the 'Ice Queen' as Mathias would say. But just looking at how people act, could you really blame me? Forgive me for being on my high horse, but I think people don't generally uphold acceptable behaviour. I mean, what has this world come to? Honestly!

But I guess life moves on, and it moves a lot faster if you don't go worrying about anyone else other than yourself. A luxury I wish I had. But I have Mathias to worry about, which is more stress than a newborn. He is practically a kid himself. He can't cook, clean, or really do anything for himself. But I guess this is another part of him that I'm attracted to. That needy-quality that he has makes me feel wanted by him. Sure, I spoil him sometimes more often than I should, but it's rewarding when he gives me that heart-warming smile that I'm sure he hasn't shown to anyone else. For everyone else, he just shows that big goofy grin of his, which is charming in its own right as well. But enough about the gushy stuff, I'm here to tell you all about the first day of classes.

"Mathias hurry up we're going to miss the bus!" As always Mathias had a difficult time waking up. It didn't help that he spent all of break playing video games at odd hours of the night.

"Don't worry Lukas we'll make it! Don't be such a worry-wart! You know you'll ruin that pretty face if you keep frowning like that all the time." He chuckled as he ruffled my hair a bit, something he knew I didn't appreciate, but allowed him to get away with.

"Fine. But when we miss the bus I get to tell you, 'I told you so!'" A feat I'd rather not win this particular morning. Being late just isn't my style.

"Only if I get to tell you the same thing." He made that sly grin of his as he finished putting on his other shoe. "But right now if I want that victory, we got to run!" With that being said, he grabbed my hand and raced off down the street.

Just as he said, we DID make it to the bus, but with hardly a moment to spare.

And just as we had promised, without even catching his breath, he whispered into my ear, "I told you so." It sent chills up my spine, something that rarely ever happened. Even in winter when the temperature could drop pretty low. But speaking of weather, the month was August, so it was pretty nice out, but not to make me sweat to hard, especially my palms. Or more specifically, only my left palm? I looked down to examine the problem, and there is was, Mathias' hand still latched onto mine. I could just feel the blood rising to my cheeks. I'm just assuming here, but I guess the Gods just liked playing tricks with me. I needed a way to outsmart them by doing some thinking of my own.

"Congratulations. Now let's go sit down." I dragged him to the closest seats I could find, sat down and immediately tugged my hand away. Trying to be indifferent, I turned my attention to the window.

"Awwww. Come on Norge!" The most acceptable nickname he has given me so far. I'm sorry for not liking nicknames, but I draw the line at 'Pooki Bear.'

"Don't get upset just because I was right!" Did I mention I tried covering up my embarrassment with a more unfriendly counterpart emotion called irritation? No? Well I do, and it's been quite successful. Not to mention helpful these last few years. Let's just say that puberty is a bitch.

"I'm not upset Mathias, I just have a bit of a headache at the moment. Your constant loud volume doesn't help at all either." Oops I did it again. Other than that being a horrible song reference, I often have mishaps like this. Anytime I try to explain myself I just end up making it worse and saying some harsh comment.

"Oh, sorry Norge. I'll just be quiet then." And the songbird went silent. Way to go Lukas. Kill the bird and eat it too! Well now I got to fix this somehow.

"Well if you're going to be quiet you should sit still while you're at it. I'm going to take a nap on your shoulder." Though we both knew I never slept once I've woken up, he complied as I rested my head against his large arm and slowly closed my eyes. Oddly enough, this was the one way I could make it up to Mathias-by showing physical affection. I know that sounds weird, but any small thing made Mathias really happy, and who was I to mess with that? Especially if I benefited a bit from it as well also. I mean, what sane person passes up a chance to get, dare I say the word, _cuddly_ with the person of their affections?

I opened my eyes when I felt the bus pulling into the Drop-Off zone.

"Morning Princess." This made me feel a bit better since the princess thing meant that he was back to normal. Though I could not say I was too happy about the princess thing. Mathias never got over the 'Norge is as pretty as a girl' thing…

"I'd say the same to you, but your hair looks more like the barbarian kidnapper's than a princess'." I was proud of this comeback and smirked in victory.

"Well I am Danish Norge. My ancestor's blood is that of powerful, ancient Vikings that mmphh." I shoved a doughnut into his mouth before he went on to connecting his bloodline to Odin himself.

"Yeah, yeah. You being related to Odin is less likely than me having a troll for a cousin!"

"But Norge~~~~!" He whined.

"Shush! Now let's hurry before we're late to our first class on the FIRST day of school. May I remind you that I do not want to leave behind a bad impression!" I don't think he got hurt by the shushing, but just in case I grabbed his hand and began to walk briskly in the direction of our classroom. I was glad that we both had homeroom together. On one hand I didn't have to make up lame excuses to visit him because we'd already be together. And on the other, I could keep Mathias in check and make sure he didn't get too rowdy during class. Looks like a win-win but it also meant that I also had to deal with him being loud, obnoxious, and stupid. I had yet to meet anyone more stupid than Mathias, but there was no doubt in my mind that it was not possible.

But before I could think any further of all the wheelings and dealings of our time together, Mathias and I had reached the door of our destination. I pulled my hand away from his and cleverly looked at my watch.

"Good. We are ten minutes early." Mathias made a frown, which basically meant he was going to comment (complain in Mathias language) on it.

"You're so anal Norge! You were talking about us being late when we are here way too early! Only nerds are here this early to class! I bet the teacher isn't even here!" He proceeded to open the door to the classroom finding that there in fact was yet to be a teacher, but were in fact other 'nerds' already sitting in the class, all of which turned their attention to the either of us.

"Lukas! Mathias!" A vaguely familiar voice called out from somewhere in the room. I glanced around to find none other than Tino Väinämöinen waving his arms like a mad man, beckoning for us to walk over. Tino was, of course, sitting next to his ever-stoic boyfriend, Berwald Oxenstierna. The four of us had gone to lower secondary school together. Where, believe it or not, Mathias would bully the two into playing house with us as well. I don't know which was worse, Mathias forcing all of us to play house at such an age, or the fact that he somehow got the giant Berwald to go along with it as well. (Something I believe he did just to keep a watch over Tino.) But even as tall as he was back then, Berwald had still managed to grow and was now almost a stammering two meters tall. Of course Mathias was not far behind, but it still hurt his pride that he was a tad bit shorter, though he would never outright admit this.

"Yo! Goldie Locks!" Mathias waved back frantically in his idiot way and made his way over to the two, with me following suit. Berwald grunted as if to affirm his presence.

"Oh, and accompanying Goldie here is the bear I guess." He leaned in a bit and 'whispered' into Tino's ear something along the lines of this. "Better watch out Tino I hear that bears are in heat around this time." He let out a particularly loud chuckle before slapping Berwald on the back. "Just joking Waldy!"

Though Mathias was clearly enjoying his joke, the three of us groaned in unison. Berwald especially, seeing as he didn't approve any more of Mathias' nick names than I did.

"Well it's good to know that Mathias is just his normal, cheerful self." Tino was always the kind to look for the silver lining in these types of situations. Probably something Berwald appreciated in his boyfriend, especially seeing as how Tino was able to see through his rough exterior. Which I'll admit, I was a bit envious of their relationship and how well they got on. But I suppose for me being a pessimistic, narcissistic misanthrope I was able to find the good qualities in Mathias. And I suppose that he someone found the spec of warmth in my heart for him to stick around this long.

I pulled Mathias by the ear a bit and put him in a seat right in front of me so that I could keep an eye on him.

"How was the either of yours summer vacation?" I dryly asked Tino to move on from any more of the jokes Mathias had in store.

Tino let out a bit of a squeal. "Berwald's parents let us stay in their beach house, so we went down to the water a lot! It was so much fun!"

"I bet you and Berwald got really wet splashing around in all that water." Mathias smirked as he aimed this comment directly at Tino, who turned the brightest shade of red I'd ever seen on a person. I almost blushed myself at was he was implementing that the two had done THAT while on vacation. Something I'd rather not think about… But BOY! Mathias really knew how to top off the cake didn't he? Good thing Tino was tougher than he looked.

"You know what? You're right Mathias. But while we had each other, you only had your hand didn't you? Remind me to give you some scented oils next time. Maybe it'll be more romantic for your hand trying to court your little buddy." Tino smirked in victory as he sat with gloating glory in his chair. Oh god, sometimes I just loved that little bundle of joy with a back bone. Though I do admit, the first time Tino back lashed at Mathias like this was a bit terrifying. Being still in middle school, I couldn't even picture Tino knowing about anything physical, much less using it to retort in such ways. Especially against Mathias, who is a good couple inches taller than he.

Mathias bitterly looked to Berwald, who also had the slightest of smug looks, daring him to say something.

"I believe the word Americans use is pwned." Was all Berwald could say before the teacher walked in and the class fall silent.

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><p>I feel super bad. This has actually been finished in my computer for a while now. I just kinda forgot to put it up. I added a little bit (sort of as an apology for it being so long) but it is not really edited. So there might be mistakes... Enjoy?<p>

Funny Story: Today in one of my classes a girl farted sitting down in her chair when she was flirting with some guy. It was so hard for me to control my laughter I nearly died! I don't know if anyone else noticed or maybe because they were trying to be mature and ignore it because they are in college, but it was really funny! Am I the only one that thinks fart jokes are funny? Yes? Oh...


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